Setting personal boundaries; practical wisdom as Christians

Recently, it became apparent to me in discussions with some Christians that personal boundaries and the Christian life are sometimes confused. After all, we're told as Christians that we are to turn the other cheek; walk the extra mile; be servants; be giving of ourselves, of our time, of our resources.

Secular psychology these days is all about setting boundaries and personal autonomy. Don't let anyone walk over you. Don't let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. You have value and worth, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Doing something you don't want to do is the same as abuse, right? It's violence to be forced to do something you don't want to.

Or is it? Are you being forced? Did someone hold a gun to your head?

This idea isn't original to me, but I can't find who said this, or something like it:

In each decision you make, you weigh the options and the information you have available to you at the time. You decide in that moment to accept the consequences of your choice and, as distasteful as you might think it is, you choose the one thing in that moment that you desire most.

Interesting, isn't it? That we choose the thing we desire most in the moment.

So, what does it mean for the Christian to set boundaries? There has to be a balance between self-care and self-sacrifice, and I'm going to look into how the Bible helps us to approach this.

Biblical boundary-setting is a complex task. We are called to honor God and serve others. We are called to not be self-centered but at the same time manage our lives in a way that maintains our well-being. If we begin to cause ourselves harm either physically or mentally, we begin to approach self-neglect, or even enabling harmful behavior of others.

We want to set healthy boundaries while maintaining love and a servant attitude. What a challenge! I decided to look at this from the perspective of practical wisdom -- or applied wisdom. The Bible is full of examples of wisdom. We pray and ask God for wisdom. Wisdom is all over Proverbs!

As we get into this, I'm going to roughly divide these up into Interpersonal Boundaries and Non-Interpersonal Boundaries, for want of a more imaginative description.

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Interpersonal Boundaries:

Jesus rebukes Martha and commends Mary: Luke 10:38-42 (ESV):

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'"

Jesus acknowledges Martha's concern but gently rebukes her for being anxious and troubled about many things. He commends Mary for choosing the good portion, showing that he values prioritizing spiritual nourishment and the wisdom of setting aside other tasks to focus on what is truly essential.

It was a cultural expectation for Mary and Martha to rush around serving their guests. Jesus affirms the prioritization of spiritual growth over cultural expectations, or self-imposed duties. He was showing her that setting a boundary against excessive worry was more important for Martha than allowing herself to be pushed around by expectations.

Boundaries with your neighbor: Proverbs 25:17 (ESV) states: "Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you." There is wisdom in setting boundaries to maintain respect and goodwill. Overstepping boundaries can lead to strained relationships.

Jesus’ Teaching on Turn the Other Cheek: In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus teaches, "But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." This teaching is often misunderstood as a lack of boundaries. However, in the cultural context, it can be seen as a way of asserting dignity and refusing to be further humiliated or drawn into vengeance.

Solomon’s Judgment: King Solomon demonstrated profound wisdom in 1 Kings 3:16-28 when he resolved the dispute between two women claiming to be the mother of a child. Solomon's proposed drastic measure was a boundary test to reveal the true mother’s compassion.

Boundaries in Giving: In 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul speaks about giving not reluctantly or under compulsion, which implies a boundary that giving should be done willingly and joyfully, not out of guilt or obligation.

Boundaries in Speech: James gives wisdom on taming the tongue in James 3:1-12, acknowledging the power of words and the importance of setting a boundary on speech to prevent harm.

Jesus and the Woman at the Well: In John 4, Jesus crosses cultural boundaries to speak with the Samaritan woman, yet He maintains a clear boundary in His conversation by not condoning her life choices while still offering her "living water."

Paul’s Boundaries in Relationships: In 2 Thessalonians 3:6, Paul instructs believers to keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition received from the Apostles.

Boundaries in Forgiveness: In Luke 17:3-4, Jesus teaches that if a brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. This sets a boundary that forgiveness is to be extended, but it also allows for confrontation and the necessity of repentance.

Proverbs on Wise Association: The Book of Proverbs frequently addresses the wisdom of choosing one's associates carefully (Proverbs 12:26; 22:24-25), thereby setting boundaries in relationships to avoid the influence of folly or malevolence.

Jesus and the Rich Young Ruler: Jesus set a boundary with the rich young ruler by challenging him to sell all he had (Matthew 19:16-22). When the young man chose his wealth over following Jesus, Jesus did not compromise His standards or chase after him.

The Early Church on Dispute Resolution: The early church in Acts set forth guidelines for resolving disputes among believers (Acts 15), indicating a boundary for maintaining unity and doctrinal purity within the church.

Jesus and Boundaries with Demands: Jesus also did not always meet the demands of others, even when they were in need; for example, He chose to leave Capernaum to preach elsewhere, despite the people desiring Him to stay (Mark 1:38).

Jesus and His Family: There were instances where Jesus set boundaries with His family, as when He stated that His true family was those who did God’s will (Mark 3:31-35), indicating that spiritual kinship sometimes takes precedence over biological ties.

Paul’s Personal Boundaries: Paul also exhibited personal boundaries when he chose not to associate with those who were living in unrepentant sin within the church (1 Corinthians 5:11).

Peter and John Before the Sanhedrin: After being commanded not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus, Peter and John asserted their commitment to obey God rather than men, setting a boundary against the authorities' commands (Acts 4:18-20).

Jesus and the Syrophoenician Woman: Jesus initially set a boundary with the Syrophoenician woman, indicating His mission was first to the Jews. However, moved by her faith, He healed her daughter, showing that boundaries can also be flexible in response to faith and persistence (Mark 7:24-30).

Paul's Boundaries with False Teachers: Paul set clear boundaries with false teachers, instructing Timothy to watch out for those who teach a different doctrine and do not agree with the sound words of Jesus Christ (1 Timothy 6:3-5).

Boundaries in Church Leadership: Titus 1:5-9 outlines qualifications for elders in the church, setting boundaries for what is acceptable behavior and belief for those in leadership positions.

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Non-Interpersonal Boundaries:

Boundaries in Leadership: In Acts 6:1-4, the Apostles delegate the task of serving tables to others so they could focus on prayer and the ministry of the word, setting an organizational boundary to maintain the priority of their calling.

Boundaries in Personal Rights: Paul, in 1 Corinthians 9, discusses the right to receive material support from the churches he served but chooses not to use this right for the sake of the gospel, setting a personal boundary against potential accusations and maintaining the focus on his mission.

Jesus’ Boundaries in Miracles: Jesus often told those He healed not to tell others (Mark 7:36, for example), setting a boundary on the spread of His fame to avoid hindering His mission.

Elijah’s Retreat: In 1 Kings 19, after a significant spiritual victory, Elijah fled from Jezebel’s threats into the wilderness. This retreat could be seen as setting a personal boundary for his safety and mental health.

Jesus' Example: Jesus often withdrew from the crowds and from his disciples to spend time alone in prayer (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16). This demonstrates the necessity of setting aside personal time for spiritual replenishment, indicating a boundary between public ministry and private devotion.

Paul’s Teaching on the body as a temple: The Apostle Paul teaches that believers should honor God with their bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), which includes the stewardship of one’s physical and emotional health, implying the setting of boundaries to protect oneself from harm.

Sabbath Observance: The command to observe the Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11) is a divine mandate to set aside regular work and engage in rest and worship, serving as a boundary between labor and restorative rest.

Nehemiah’s Focus: While rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, Nehemiah set boundaries to ensure the work would not be interrupted by those who opposed it (Nehemiah 6:1-4). He exercised discernment in not becoming distracted from the task God had given him.

Paul on Personal Convictions: Paul speaks of boundaries in terms of personal convictions (Romans 14:1-23), where believers are to act from faith without passing judgment on disputable matters, respecting the boundaries of conscience.

Daniel and Dietary Laws: Daniel set personal boundaries regarding his diet, choosing not to defile himself with the king's food and wine, which reflected his commitment to God's laws over the customs of the land he was in (Daniel 1:8-16).

Job’s Integrity: Job maintained the boundary of his integrity in the face of extreme suffering and loss, refusing to "curse God and die" as his wife suggested (Job 2:9-10).

Jesus' Instructions to Disciples: Jesus instructed His disciples to leave a place if they were not welcomed there, indicating a boundary in their missionary efforts (Matthew 10:14).

Jesus and His Time: Jesus also exemplified personal boundaries in His ministry. For example, even though there were many more people to heal, He would sometimes depart to pray and be alone, indicating the necessity of rest and communion with the Father (Mark 1:35).

Boundaries in Proverbs: Many proverbs speak to the wisdom of self-control and setting boundaries in speech (Proverbs 10:19), anger (Proverbs 15:1), and dealings with others (Proverbs 25:16).

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This isn't an exhaustive list of Scripture references on practical wisdom applied in setting boundaries. 

We can clearly see that God does not advocate for a life completely without personal boundaries. He presents for us in Scripture a beautiful balance between self-care and self-sacrifice, the pinnacle of which is our primary example for faith of Christ himself. Jesus prioritized spiritual demands over societal demands, and in Philippians, Paul shows us to make a conscious choice to forego "rights" for the Gospel. 

Set limits; extend grace.

There is a tension between giving of myself and maintaining my personal well-being, and ultimately we see that God sets out a pattern of living with open hearts toward others while being wise in setting boundaries, fully engaged in service to God and doing his will while also serving others without descending into self-neglect or enabling harmful behavior in others.

But what does this mean when you are presented with the uncomfortable prospect of "making someone mad" by setting a boundary?

Let me leave you with this:

"The only people who get angry when you set a boundary are those who benefitted from you not having one" - Anonymous.

Where Were You?

Where Were You?

I created this video several years ago in a time of my life where I was going through some great upheaval. For this, you can read "sin".

This is a song taken directly from the book of Job about the bigness and the sovereignty of God, with His tenderness and attention to small things also. Our God is great. I created this video from a bunch of sources (none of the images came from me), and I uploaded it to promote Ghost Ship's new album and because we're going to sing it in church. This video has nothing to do with Mars Hill Music or Ghost Ship. Please head over to iTunes or Amazon to purchase their album "The Good King", and please head over to Ghost Ship's Facebook page and give them a Like:
https://www.facebook.com/ghostshipmusic

Most glorified, or least glorified?

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."
- John Piper

It occurred to me that in this life, something is always being glorified by the outward expression of our thoughts and desires.

If we are overly focused, even obsessed, on earthly treasures and earthly fulfillment (which can also include a desire to make the lives of those closest to us more comfortable), we end up glorifying things that are not necessarily bad things, but they are not of eternal significance.

Like many of the "Blessed are ..." statements in the Bible, if we look at the converse of Piper's statement we reveal something that we should each be mindful of: "God is least glorified in us when we are least satisfied in Him."

As I continue to learn to find rest in Christ's finished work, and His sovereignty in all things, I learn to trust in His goodness and His care for His children. My prayer is that I will continue to more and more satisfied in Him, and that He will be more and more glorified in me, and that the spiritual outcome will be that God works through me to save more of His people.

An apologetic excursus

I found this "out there", it's non-attributed. I have some theological issues with some of the statements, but I thought I'd repost it as it presents some good rejoinders to some common attacks.



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Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

Does Voddie Baucham think Mark Driscoll is a false teacher?

I was listening to an old Voddie Baucham message where he states that anyone who says, "God told me ________" and really means it, particularly someone in a preaching role, is a false teacher, a false prophet, a wolf, someone who is essentially trying to add to the canon of Scripture. So let's consider Mark Driscoll ...

I've been struggling with how to deal with Driscoll, especially as I credit him with being the catalyst for bringing me into Reformed Theology and waking me up after sleeping through church for 30 years. Unfortunately, I've heard several things from him that have concerned me, and with the above in mind from Baucham, to hear Mark state, "God spoke to me audibly and told me to marry Grace, plant churches, train men, and preach the Bible."

Then there's the "pornographic divination" that Phil Johnson talks about here: http://teampyro.blogspot.com.au/2011/08/pornographic-divination.html

I'm really struggling with this. As Mike Abendroth said, "Intro level stuff. Basically true; mostly biblical. Graduate from it."

My biggest challenge is in thinking about all the people I've introduced to Mark's preaching. Do I go back to them and tell them hey you need to move on from this guy and start listening to Macarthur and S. Lewis Johnson?

John Ankerberg Show gripe

Is it just me, or do others find that the John Ankerberg Show can be relied on for its ability to take a break just when things get interesting and then fail to come back to the point that would have been really good to get an answer on?

Does "homophobic" redefine "phobia"?

Does "homophobic" redefine the use of the word "phobia"? I certainly don't have an irrational fear of people who are attracted to the same sex, but I stand by the Bible's definition of sin. I have no doubt that there are practising homosexuals who are more morally upright by the world's standards than I am, who probably have done less "bad things" than I have. But we're talking about a condition of the heart when we talk about our attitude towards sin. I hate my sin. I often struggle to with hating myself because of my sin, but then I take hope, my only hope, in the risen Christ, whose mercy and grace covered my sins with his shed blood.

It is in this hope that I continually strive for sanctification, to put aside the old self and look ahead to the hope of being with my God and Saviour eternally. Any sinner can have the same hope. Any sinner could be transformed by God, a heart of stone turned into a heart of flesh. The Good News is preached to all mankind, without exception.

Homosexual activity is a sin, just as my failure to lead my household as a Christian father is a sin, my bad attitude towards others, my anger, my thoughts of violence, all these are things I battle against every day. I know of alcoholics, gluttons, murderers, child molesters, liars, cheats, adulterers, any manner of sinners who have trusted in Christ alone for their eternal hope, who battle every day to lay aside their sinful desires to satisfy their flesh and maintain their hope in a risen Saviour. No sin is too great that Jesus could not pay for it with his blood, no sinner so dead in sin that Jesus could not reach down and breathe life into them.

We remain sinners our whole lives, alcoholics remain alcoholics, as much as child molesters remain child molesters, sexual sinners remain lustful and adulterous at heart, and homosexuals too, who remain homosexual, who suffer under terrible stress to deny "who they are", their “natural condition”, who are in a position where they need to call on God every day for the strength to not give in to sinful desire, each sinner retains the “natural condition” of their sinful hearts. Sin is sin, and whatever your sin is, no matter how small, YOU know what it does to your heart. Whether it's something as small as that thought you had today when that pretty girl walked past, or the thought you had when that person cut you off in traffic, or something as horrific as a desire to harm another, it's SIN, and it remains the natural condition of the human heart as long as we live. Each of us suffers from different natural desires, so we judge others to be “better”, or “worse” than ourselves. Jesus laid bare the hubris of the religious by pointing out that lustful thought is the same to him as actual adultery, that hateful thought is the same as actual murder. Just because your sin might not send you to jail in the country you live in doesn't mean it isn't SIN!

'Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.'
- Saint Augustine -

So are we going to redefine "phobia"? I think we must, for if my love for sinners, my love for people that is based on a recognition that in them lies the same basic sin nature that I have in me, if that love causes me to to open my mouth and say, "you are a sinner, and you need God", if that expression of love for another is to be called "phobic", then we must surely redefine the word.

If we are going to redefine "phobia", then we must also redefine "marriage", for if marriage suddenly means something other than the union of one man and one woman, then the term itself has lost its meaning. These topics are incredibly difficult to discuss without being accused of the aforementioned offence, but I think any fair discussion needs to evaluate points raised without descending into invective and vitriol.

Further to what I wrote above, the unregenerate sinner who is committed to his or her sin does not want to confront it, does not want to deny it, and above all does not want to admit that it is wrong. In this sense, the sinner will seek every opportunity to have their sin affirmed. The adulterer might have a psychologist diagnose him with sex addiction, or will say, “we're two consenting adults, who are you to say this is wrong?”. The person stealing music or movies off the internet might say, “I'm not hurting anyone, and besides I can't afford to buy it”. The person speeding down the road might say, “I'm late for work, and anyway I'm a safe driver, those limits are just guidelines for idiots.” A person might seek advice on their sinful lifestyle from their pastor, and when they don't hear what they want they'll go to a church that will say they're doing nothing wrong and they can continue to worship the god of their own making.

In this sense, it is my assessment that people who are pushing for “gay marriage” do not actually want marriage as the Bible defines marriage. They might think they do, but practising homosexuals, deep down, feel convicted of their sin, and they want to redefine the term marriage so they can stop being reminded every day that they are in sin, and feel affirmed. Strong words? Yes they are. At the heart of this discussion about “gay marriage” is, quite simply, the desire to normalise sin.

Now we're getting somewhere. Society today wants to normalise sin. Just turn on the television to see what's being promoted to our society, our children today as being normal, right and good. Chuck Swindoll had this to say about normalising sin:

“You need to recognize how the enemy of our faith encourages us to:

• “Notice another person’s sin more than our own.

• “Define sin as less heinous than it really is—perhaps regarding it as understandable, in some cases even desirable.

• “Explain sin as a legitimate reaction to life’s disappointments and therefore, worthy more of compassion than judgment.

• “Treat sin as something merely naughty, like a childish prank.

• “Evaluate sin as a merely regrettable path to legitimate relief from pressure and pain—a path made necessary by whoever designed the world.”

When we start defining morality by popular vote, we start to head down a very slippery slope. The issue here is not one of human rights, or legalities, or fairness, even though many good arguments have been based on those points. The issue here is sin. As Christians, we must be prepared to stand on what the Bible says about sin. That includes our own sin. We must be prepared to examine ourselves, and be examined, in light of what the Bible says about sin. That might be really uncomfortable, but if we're not prepared to put up our hands and say, “by God's standard of perfection, my sin is just as bad as yours”, then we are not only deluding ourselves, we are denying the truth, and we may be suffering from a serious case of Religion.

So where to from here? Well, first of all if we are going to engage in this discussion we need to be aware of the two levels we're going to be operating on. One is the level the world is coming from—they don't and won't acknowledge the sin aspect, so we need to try to look at it from their perspective, which pretty much boils down to “it's not fair”. And guess what—I think they're right. There. I said it. I think in a post-Christian society, discriminating against people on the basis of their particular choice of sin is not fair, or nice. I don't recall reading anything in the Bible that says, under the New Covenant, that we are to set aside the grace that we have been shown and be downright mean to other sinners because they haven't been convicted of their sin. Look around you. How many other sins do you want to start getting upset about? The horse has well and truly bolted, and guess what … your sins would make you a candidate for persecution if the right Pharisee came along. You know what? I think it's actually pretty unlikely that “gay marriage” will lead to rampant paedophilia, polygamy, polyandry and bestiality. There are bigger issues for the Christian community to deal with than those. I'm open to input on this, feel free to point out where I'm wrong!

So what's the other level? The other level is the one that any sinner saved by grace through faith needs to be operating on every day. Gratitude, thankfulness, and prayer for other sinners. Show people you love them and care about them. Share with them that you yourself are a sinner, saved by grace, and that even though you can't and won't affirm their sin, you love them as people and are willing to be friends with them, to be there for them in their own hard times, to walk with them and just be a fellow human being with feelings, struggles and, yes, sins.

When the laws get changed to force places of worship to allow any sinful activity to take place within its walls in the name of “anti-discrimination”, it may be time to go back to house churches, and it may be time for people to start going to jail for what they believe, but in all that we need to be very careful that we don't lose sight of the big picture, which is the great leveller … true equality before God.

What is true equality? Sin. Death. Judgement. It happens to everyone. Where are you going to stand?