Recently, it became apparent to me in discussions with some Christians that personal boundaries and the Christian life are sometimes confused. After all, we're told as Christians that we are to turn the other cheek; walk the extra mile; be servants; be giving of ourselves, of our time, of our resources.
Secular psychology these days is all about setting boundaries and personal autonomy. Don't let anyone walk over you. Don't let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. You have value and worth, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Doing something you don't want to do is the same as abuse, right? It's violence to be forced to do something you don't want to.
Or is it? Are you being forced? Did someone hold a gun to your head?
This idea isn't original to me, but I can't find who said this, or something like it:
In each decision you make, you weigh the options and the information you have available to you at the time. You decide in that moment to accept the consequences of your choice and, as distasteful as you might think it is, you choose the one thing in that moment that you desire most.
Interesting, isn't it? That we choose the thing we desire most in the moment.
So, what does it mean for the Christian to set boundaries? There has to be a balance between self-care and self-sacrifice, and I'm going to look into how the Bible helps us to approach this.
Biblical boundary-setting is a complex task. We are called to honor God and serve others. We are called to not be self-centered but at the same time manage our lives in a way that maintains our well-being. If we begin to cause ourselves harm either physically or mentally, we begin to approach self-neglect, or even enabling harmful behavior of others.
We want to set healthy boundaries while maintaining love and a servant attitude. What a challenge! I decided to look at this from the perspective of practical wisdom -- or applied wisdom. The Bible is full of examples of wisdom. We pray and ask God for wisdom. Wisdom is all over Proverbs!
As we get into this, I'm going to roughly divide these up into Interpersonal Boundaries and Non-Interpersonal Boundaries, for want of a more imaginative description.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Interpersonal Boundaries:
Jesus rebukes Martha and commends Mary: Luke 10:38-42 (ESV):
"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'"
Jesus acknowledges Martha's concern but gently rebukes her for being anxious and troubled about many things. He commends Mary for choosing the good portion, showing that he values prioritizing spiritual nourishment and the wisdom of setting aside other tasks to focus on what is truly essential.
It was a cultural expectation for Mary and Martha to rush around serving their guests. Jesus affirms the prioritization of spiritual growth over cultural expectations, or self-imposed duties. He was showing her that setting a boundary against excessive worry was more important for Martha than allowing herself to be pushed around by expectations.
Boundaries with your neighbor: Proverbs 25:17 (ESV) states: "Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you." There is wisdom in setting boundaries to maintain respect and goodwill. Overstepping boundaries can lead to strained relationships.
Jesus’ Teaching on Turn the Other Cheek: In Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus teaches, "But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." This teaching is often misunderstood as a lack of boundaries. However, in the cultural context, it can be seen as a way of asserting dignity and refusing to be further humiliated or drawn into vengeance.
Solomon’s Judgment: King Solomon demonstrated profound wisdom in 1 Kings 3:16-28 when he resolved the dispute between two women claiming to be the mother of a child. Solomon's proposed drastic measure was a boundary test to reveal the true mother’s compassion.
Boundaries in Giving: In 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul speaks about giving not reluctantly or under compulsion, which implies a boundary that giving should be done willingly and joyfully, not out of guilt or obligation.
Boundaries in Speech: James gives wisdom on taming the tongue in James 3:1-12, acknowledging the power of words and the importance of setting a boundary on speech to prevent harm.
Jesus and the Woman at the Well: In John 4, Jesus crosses cultural boundaries to speak with the Samaritan woman, yet He maintains a clear boundary in His conversation by not condoning her life choices while still offering her "living water."
Paul’s Boundaries in Relationships: In 2 Thessalonians 3:6, Paul instructs believers to keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition received from the Apostles.
Boundaries in Forgiveness: In Luke 17:3-4, Jesus teaches that if a brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. This sets a boundary that forgiveness is to be extended, but it also allows for confrontation and the necessity of repentance.
Proverbs on Wise Association: The Book of Proverbs frequently addresses the wisdom of choosing one's associates carefully (Proverbs 12:26; 22:24-25), thereby setting boundaries in relationships to avoid the influence of folly or malevolence.
Jesus and the Rich Young Ruler: Jesus set a boundary with the rich young ruler by challenging him to sell all he had (Matthew 19:16-22). When the young man chose his wealth over following Jesus, Jesus did not compromise His standards or chase after him.
The Early Church on Dispute Resolution: The early church in Acts set forth guidelines for resolving disputes among believers (Acts 15), indicating a boundary for maintaining unity and doctrinal purity within the church.
Jesus and Boundaries with Demands: Jesus also did not always meet the demands of others, even when they were in need; for example, He chose to leave Capernaum to preach elsewhere, despite the people desiring Him to stay (Mark 1:38).
Jesus and His Family: There were instances where Jesus set boundaries with His family, as when He stated that His true family was those who did God’s will (Mark 3:31-35), indicating that spiritual kinship sometimes takes precedence over biological ties.
Paul’s Personal Boundaries: Paul also exhibited personal boundaries when he chose not to associate with those who were living in unrepentant sin within the church (1 Corinthians 5:11).
Peter and John Before the Sanhedrin: After being commanded not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus, Peter and John asserted their commitment to obey God rather than men, setting a boundary against the authorities' commands (Acts 4:18-20).
Jesus and the Syrophoenician Woman: Jesus initially set a boundary with the Syrophoenician woman, indicating His mission was first to the Jews. However, moved by her faith, He healed her daughter, showing that boundaries can also be flexible in response to faith and persistence (Mark 7:24-30).
Paul's Boundaries with False Teachers: Paul set clear boundaries with false teachers, instructing Timothy to watch out for those who teach a different doctrine and do not agree with the sound words of Jesus Christ (1 Timothy 6:3-5).
Boundaries in Church Leadership: Titus 1:5-9 outlines qualifications for elders in the church, setting boundaries for what is acceptable behavior and belief for those in leadership positions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Non-Interpersonal Boundaries:
Boundaries in Leadership: In Acts 6:1-4, the Apostles delegate the task of serving tables to others so they could focus on prayer and the ministry of the word, setting an organizational boundary to maintain the priority of their calling.
Boundaries in Personal Rights: Paul, in 1 Corinthians 9, discusses the right to receive material support from the churches he served but chooses not to use this right for the sake of the gospel, setting a personal boundary against potential accusations and maintaining the focus on his mission.
Jesus’ Boundaries in Miracles: Jesus often told those He healed not to tell others (Mark 7:36, for example), setting a boundary on the spread of His fame to avoid hindering His mission.
Elijah’s Retreat: In 1 Kings 19, after a significant spiritual victory, Elijah fled from Jezebel’s threats into the wilderness. This retreat could be seen as setting a personal boundary for his safety and mental health.
Jesus' Example: Jesus often withdrew from the crowds and from his disciples to spend time alone in prayer (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16). This demonstrates the necessity of setting aside personal time for spiritual replenishment, indicating a boundary between public ministry and private devotion.
Paul’s Teaching on the body as a temple: The Apostle Paul teaches that believers should honor God with their bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), which includes the stewardship of one’s physical and emotional health, implying the setting of boundaries to protect oneself from harm.
Sabbath Observance: The command to observe the Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11) is a divine mandate to set aside regular work and engage in rest and worship, serving as a boundary between labor and restorative rest.
Nehemiah’s Focus: While rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, Nehemiah set boundaries to ensure the work would not be interrupted by those who opposed it (Nehemiah 6:1-4). He exercised discernment in not becoming distracted from the task God had given him.
Paul on Personal Convictions: Paul speaks of boundaries in terms of personal convictions (Romans 14:1-23), where believers are to act from faith without passing judgment on disputable matters, respecting the boundaries of conscience.
Daniel and Dietary Laws: Daniel set personal boundaries regarding his diet, choosing not to defile himself with the king's food and wine, which reflected his commitment to God's laws over the customs of the land he was in (Daniel 1:8-16).
Job’s Integrity: Job maintained the boundary of his integrity in the face of extreme suffering and loss, refusing to "curse God and die" as his wife suggested (Job 2:9-10).
Jesus' Instructions to Disciples: Jesus instructed His disciples to leave a place if they were not welcomed there, indicating a boundary in their missionary efforts (Matthew 10:14).
Jesus and His Time: Jesus also exemplified personal boundaries in His ministry. For example, even though there were many more people to heal, He would sometimes depart to pray and be alone, indicating the necessity of rest and communion with the Father (Mark 1:35).
Boundaries in Proverbs: Many proverbs speak to the wisdom of self-control and setting boundaries in speech (Proverbs 10:19), anger (Proverbs 15:1), and dealings with others (Proverbs 25:16).
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This isn't an exhaustive list of Scripture references on practical wisdom applied in setting boundaries.
We can clearly see that God does not advocate for a life completely without personal boundaries. He presents for us in Scripture a beautiful balance between self-care and self-sacrifice, the pinnacle of which is our primary example for faith of Christ himself. Jesus prioritized spiritual demands over societal demands, and in Philippians, Paul shows us to make a conscious choice to forego "rights" for the Gospel.
Set limits; extend grace.
There is a tension between giving of myself and maintaining my personal well-being, and ultimately we see that God sets out a pattern of living with open hearts toward others while being wise in setting boundaries, fully engaged in service to God and doing his will while also serving others without descending into self-neglect or enabling harmful behavior in others.
But what does this mean when you are presented with the uncomfortable prospect of "making someone mad" by setting a boundary?
Let me leave you with this:
"The only people who get angry when you set a boundary are those who benefitted from you not having one" - Anonymous.
